Thursday, June 23, 2011

It was gonna EAT ME... TRUE STORY

Today was the best day ever up until 11:30 tonight where Cuddles decides to catch a fat little mouse.

Just for a min I have to veer off in a different direction. I was on a soap box today because I swear Oh Noa likes to bring out my evil and warped ways.. but its a good thing because then I don't dangerously explode on people later. Which would only be fair since I deal with their stupidity.. Anyway I was having a fairly decent soap boxy day. It was fantastic. Until the creatures went berserk.

And a Fucking bug decided to try to eat me too!!! I am not making this shit up.. it just happens to me.

Anyway so there was a time when I was cooking dinner (which I don't do anymore for other reasons) and I was making grilled cheese sandwich's when I felt something bump my big toe. Thinking maybe I dropped something like a piece of unspreadable butter I look down and that was it I threw the bread and knife loaded with said butter and ran screaming from the room because this little mouse had its mouth open ready to EAT ME. I jumped from the top stair of my dining room to my drop living room and jumped into my husband's lap in his recliner. (true story) I had an old afghan that was draped on the chair and when I finally was able to tell him what the deal was he busted a gut laughing and said in his most evil of tones that even if it was chasing me to eat me it could climb the afghan. I don't know what happened to the afghan after that I think it hit the trash the next day.

Anyway fast forward to February or March of this year where Slade decides to ask me for a baby picture for a school project. I go digging in my stash of photo albums for this picture when I am shoulder deep in a box this mouse comes racing up my arm and goes for my neck! I swear to GOD if it was October I would swear it was a vampire mouse. As it was it scratched my neck and left marks... only I was too freaked out to get pictures. Slade is cackling at me and tell me it will be ok.. NO IT WON'T BE OK... NOT COOL. I am such a girl. I had huge tears rolling down my neck I don't know how I got the mouse away from me and I don't care where it went and I hope to HELL that it was just as freaked as I was.

Then between then and now a series of unfortunate events befalls these little creatures due to my cats. I love cats because they are the mouse disposal team! YAY for cats. Anyway so we thought the mouse situation was pretty much terminated until tonight when Cuddles (who isn't so cuddly) catches a fat mouse right next to the recliner which was unbeknownst to me because she never comes near me so I don't pay attention to her. This mouse was on a mission to EAT ME. I am not shitting you. He/it was almost as big around as a golf ball that is how fat he/it was. He/it could have been mistaken for a furry jumbo bounce ball. *SHUDDER*

And because my cats like to play with their food (yes even their regular old protein cat food) Cuddles was doing a sort of fisherman action of Catch and Release. This set me and Jessie off.. each time she released the mouse it ran towards us and we would screech then Cuddles would have the mouse again. I am just like EAT it already!! So then she decides sit by my chair and do a half crouch half I don't know some weird thing where the back end of the mouse is in her mouth and start chew it like its bubble gum. This little creature is mute or in shock I suppose at being eaten alive. Karma is a bitch huh? and while Cuddles is munching away you hear bones crunching. EWWWWWW just eat it and get it over with. This is the entire conversation I had with Joe while this was all going on:

tinamariewitt1103: OMG
tinamariewitt1103: evil creature was gonna eat me!!
qoraQ .puqloD: ?
tinamariewitt1103: MOUSE
tinamariewitt1103: It was gonna climb my chair
tinamariewitt1103: the cat snatched it
tinamariewitt1103: omg
tinamariewitt1103: :(
tinamariewitt1103: she catches and releases
qoraQ .puqloD: Oh hun it will be ok.  the cats are doing their job
tinamariewitt1103: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
tinamariewitt1103: :((
qoraQ .puqloD: is ok babe
tinamariewitt1103: NOOOOOOOOOOOO it ran towards my chair
qoraQ .puqloD: ohhh
tinamariewitt1103: and she is eating it tail first.. its still alive
qoraQ .puqloD: eewwww
tinamariewitt1103: talk about torture
qoraQ .puqloD: So is that more Klingonesque for you?  lol
tinamariewitt1103: yes
qoraQ .puqloD: cool
tinamariewitt1103: SAVE ME
tinamariewitt1103: omg.. its over
qoraQ .puqloD: Kitty dinner now huh?
tinamariewitt1103: no she totally consumed it
qoraQ .puqloD: that's what I meant
tinamariewitt1103: yes
qoraQ .puqloD: good.
qoraQ .puqloD: must have been a small one
tinamariewitt1103: did you like the vid?
tinamariewitt1103: no it was a fat fucker
tinamariewitt1103: coming to eat me
qoraQ .puqloD: it was....interesting.
qoraQ .puqloD: lol no it wasn't
tinamariewitt1103: yes it was
qoraQ .puqloD: I would bet it was just trying to hide from the furballs
tinamariewitt1103: Goddamn cats better step up their game if they are getting that close to me
tinamariewitt1103: :D
tinamariewitt1103: sorry but that just grosses me out..
qoraQ .puqloD: I know babe
tinamariewitt1103: anyway you probably should get to bed... and I am gonna use that last part about the mouse to blog
tinamariewitt1103: ewww.. mouse flavored milk

The mouse flavored milk was after 2 of Cuddles' demon spawn decided to nurse on her after she ate the mouse.

Then not 5 minutes later after the kids except Jessie goes to bed A flying something decided to appear dive bombing me. Jessie and I had just had a scream-fest and this thing I swear was gonna EAT ME too. It had many legs and wings and it was rubbing its legs together like a cricket or something but to me it looked like it was making new plans to invade my space. So here I am screaming and paralyzed in fear of this 1 inch bug (yea I am a huge dork and sissy when it comes to mice and bugs) So I am screaming at the top of my lungs at Kenny to kill it because it was gonna get me. Jessie was screaming but wanted to be brave and try to smash it before her dad came out and I told her NO she would either miss and make it mad, or hit it and fling it on me or in my tea. So then Kenny comes out takes his ball cap and tries to hit it and it takes off only to dive bomb Jessie and fly out the kitchen window.

Finally Kenny says "Can a guy go to bed without all the screaming?" I said maybe it depended on how many other animals decided to want to terrorize me tonight. And he should know my rules for not going to bed before midnight. That is when the nightmares come.

Anyway that was the extent of my night not including the Facebook post of being on the ceiling. But if you friended me or are already a friend of mine on Facebook you can read it on my profile.

I am not explaining the Sugar comment. Ask Kenny. It's his story. Real men don't melt in water.

I bet you all have had terrifying experiences like mine that may end up as hilarity for others. Go ahead share with the rest of us so we can commiserate. I wanna know your story.


Ken said...

OH boy Life is good at the Witt house never a dull moment.

Lilscorpiosweetie said...

Oh there are dull moments.. You should know that better than anyone.