Sunday, June 5, 2011

Sunday and Slade

Today was a pretty good day. I managed to remember to write down all the hilarity that happened and this could get long. I will try my best to not bore you too much.

As usual the kids were slow to getting out of bed due to it being Sunday and being early. Lala the baby who is 7 is very much like her mother.. not a morning person so getting her up is like waking a grizzly cub..Husband's words not mine because I see absolutely nothing wrong with not being a morning person. So anyway we all got ready to go and my husband takes his truck my boyfriend takes his. Slade the 13 yr. old and the two little kids, Skye and Lala ride with me and the boyfriend while Jessie rides with dad. On the ride to town (13 miles from town is about a 30 min drive) squeezed into a tiny pick up truck my boyfriend and I get to listen to the kids being kids.. Mom she pinched me, Mom he pulled my hair, I don't have leg room etc...

We make it to the church all in one piece and I had sternly warned the kids that the time for obnoxious fun was over.. Apparently that didn't stop my DEMON SPAWN from goofing around in church. Thank GOD my Pastor is a family man and can laugh off what my kids do...So all of us are sitting in the pew my husband, my boyfriend, and my kids, and we are waiting for church to start. My husband and boyfriend and I reach for the hymnals to mark our places for the different hymns we are going to sing and we needed a couple more hymnals (My boyfriend's mom joined us in our pew and the kids had the first three hymnals). The way our pew is set up it only holds three hymnals per cubby on the back of the pew in front of us so I didn't ask the kids to hand me a hymnal because they are all too busy with their word searches and cross word puzzles and so I said "Go Go gadget arm" my husband looks at me and doesn't say anything to me. Slade grabs me the hymnals and just shakes his head.  So after the hymnals were all passed out to those of us that wanted them I turned to my husband and boyfriend and said so I used the phrase Go go gadget arm should I have instead said Go go gidget since I am female? My husband rolls his eyes heaven ward and just shakes his head. My boyfriend just chuckles.

Slade is not a very big kid. In fact he is almost tall and gangly and had to wear a safety pin in his pants to keep them up around his waist giving him the Urkel appearance. Far be it for me to tell him he looked like that because he would have just been entirely pissed at me. I didn't say anything until the safety pin stabbing. He leaned down to scoop a crayon off the floor that the little kids had dropped and the safety pin came undone and stabbed him in the side which he let out a yelp and made the congregation jump and turn to see what the noise was. I know I was about as red as a tomato because this child likes to embarrass me. Through clenched teeth I asked him what his deal was and told him not make that awful noise again. He laughed maniacally at me. He told me that if he had pants that fit he wouldn't have had that issue I said it wasn't my fault he didn't pack his bag to stay the weekend with me knowing full well I didn't have clothes that fit him anymore.
So while he was adjusting the safety pin again he managed to dump the contents of his lap on the floor making a huge clatter and the pastor was just getting started My husband mouthed off and said way to go clutz and Slade shot back that he wasn't a clutz let alone a putz (hey he can rhyme and also this is coming from the kid who earlier last year said I know my math I just don't get it). Skye then pipes up saying to Slade clutz, putz what's the difference? Implying that either were synonymous with Slade. All Slade could do was glare at him.

Skye had been concentrating on a math word puzzle that he thought he could just put random words in until I made him go back to the directions and figure it out so then he gets to putting the letters with the corresponding math problem as the answer and decides that it was going to say Faith and it turns out that it was Father. I said I thought you told me it was Faith (trying to get him to make sure he was right) and he tells me in an all too exasperated tone that it was Father, Mom. I know my math Slade just doesn't get it.

The Pastor who has been oblivious to all of the goings on calls for us to "Pass the Peace of Christ" which is basically welcoming us to church and to shake hands with people we wouldn't otherwise acknowledge or even say hello to. Which is good because it gets us out of our comfort zones most adults are pretty much set in their ways about who they associate with. But when it comes to my spawn they are the social butterflies of the congregation making all the other kids look bad. Seriously that was not my doing. So as we are shaking hands with one particular lady she asked Slade if my boyfriend was his dad. Slade just stood there unsure of how to answer and my boyfriend speaks up and points to my husband and said no he is the dad (which in reality is my son's stepdad) Slade looks at my husband then back at this poor confused woman and says yeah he is my dad but he didn't make me. I wanted to sink into the floor but like a good mom that I am I took it in stride and just laughed it off. I am not sure what that poor woman got out of the exchange but I am pretty sure she is definitely confused as to who this boy's father is and probably shook it off as a God joke or something. I think that is what I would have done anyway.

So now the Pastor calls the kids up for Children's time and he gives them a brief run down of what our sermon is gonna be that makes it easier for them to understand (like they care at this point they are just there because that is what I want.. or at least to them that is how they think. They sat and colored their pictures while our pastor did his thing.)

Our Pastor starts in on his sermon and he always manages to put a joke at the front before actually getting into it. So the joke was that there was this guy who is standing at the Pearly Gates and conversing with St. Peter before he goes into heaven. St. Peter asks this guy if there was one thing in his life that he did that merited his getting into heaven. They went through and named off some pretty good deeds the man had done. But the one special thing he did to get where he was now was the huge merit. He told St. Peter that he came to the rescue of this woman who was being roughed up by some tough looking biker dudes. He told them that they needed to go on and leave her alone and in so doing he managed to rip out the lead biker guy's nose ring, knock over his bike and it dominoed the rest of the gangs bikes. St. Peter exclaimed that was amazing and said when did that happen? The guy says..... Oh just a few mins ago...

Then of course my thought process goes with this.. I wonder what Kevorkian would have told St. Peter to get into heaven. My husband just gave me the look. I am like WHAT??.. I guess I am just curious if he made it to heaven by repenting for doing all those mercy killings or if there was something else that he did to make it in assuming he even went to heaven at all. Because that is how I think. So I know that people can ask for forgiveness and ask to be saved and be comfortable knowing that no matter what nasty deed they do they are saved.. and for some reason that irks me..that will have to be on a different post because it is turning into a tirade.

We finish church and fellowship at the back of the sanctuary, my husband goes to work, and we hang out at my boyfriends house the rest of the afternoon. My husband gets off work comes to pick us up and being as how both my boyfriend and husband smoke, my boyfriend was out of smokes and my husband had a couple he could have. So anyway the boyfriend mis read the box and thought the website was www.cameltoe.com instead of the www.camel.com. Being as how the box says SEIZE THE HUMP DAY on it you know where his mind is.

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