Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Ashes, ashes we all fall down.

The rainbows and sunshine are gone for now. In its place dark humor and dark thoughts are prevalent.

I had an epiphany tonight on the way home about why some people commit suicide. In my disparaging thought process I voiced what many people just do. I know why so many people kill themselves.

Because its easy and when you don't have the answers all you want or need is for things to go away and for everyone to just stop. In my despair I could see why people end it.

 It just seemed easier to get rid of me than the problem. It was easier to see how people could go on .. yeah things will end up being mixed up for a while, but in the long run they will remember me more than they will the problems I was facing. They won't remember that I was facing the end of my life as I knew it .. more that they weren't dealing with what I was dealing with. Yeah I could very well see a counselor but seriously that isn't what I needed right now. I needed to vent and get out that no one gets it and to explain it to someone that really doesn't live my lifestyle to understand what I am going through is like explaining quantum physics to a caveman (it's not so simple that a caveman can do it).

And what really gets me? The fact that those you trust to help you end up just helping things get worse (they probably meant well and it just wasn't coming across. Also the details got fuzzy.. maybe a lack in communication.). In my frame of mind at the time all I could hear is well since your doing this we are gonna do this and it wasn't communicated that it was to help more just to think that I was/am going to lose things.

When you are faced with having things taken from you, and not getting the things you need to get some other things taken care of kinda puts you in a rock and a hard place.

It took having me voice the good over the bad.. I still have good things in my life. I have my kids, my boyfriend and a place to live and my job as shitty as it is.

I also have things to live for, like moving away, seeing the world, being who and what I want to be.

I also realize that my disparaging thoughts were in the voices of the people that don't matter to me.  I don't get why their voices even mattered. Why did I let it get to me?

Because in some small way they are right. I sometimes think that with their accusations there is a bit of truth to it. Maybe I am ugly, maybe I am an unfit mom. Does that stop me from trying to accept myself and make sure that I am doing everything I can for my kids so that I don't become that unfit mom? No because I am not a quitter. I couldn't kill myself let alone feel that it was the easy way out. Because for me its not the easy way. The only way is to push on through and see what is on the other side. I have to move on, its the only way I will become stronger.

Those small but noisy insecure voices that voice my thoughts aren't loud enough to push me over the edge and give up. I am better than that and I have to remember that. The longer I remember that the better off I am and the better off I will be.

If you are going through hell keep on going because the devil might not even know you were there. or something like that. 

Friday, February 10, 2012


So the other night I am having dinner in public and my son and daughter said I need to let them build a club house because they got to over at their dad's house.  So then Laura pipes up and says yeah from scratch as she imitates a nail on a chalk board motion.

So I am beginning to think that her comedic relief  only happens when we are in public.. its very rare to happen at home. So tonight we are on our way home and Laura looks back behind us and sees my mom (her Nana) behind us. She goes "Hey Nana's truck has eyebrows!" The truck is an 92 Avalanche. I told her to turn around and sit still. So then she starts in on Silent Night. Here are her lyrics:

Silent Night Holy Night,
All is calm, All is deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddd.

The End. 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Friday Chair Tippin...

That's right I about fell off my freakin chair at work because I got a formal apology I neither needed nor wanted..

But it was kind of backhanded..

Like she said that she was sorry for being a BITCH but it was something about me that caused her to be that way? I am confused.

So I just said apology accepted and wracked my brain trying to figure out why I wasn't a like-able person at least to her. I had done nothing wrong except go to the boss and tell him that I can't stand working with her because she is constantly negative. I dreaded going to work. It was her fault I felt sick.

Still confused and I think I will have to sit on my chair a bit better when people just randomly come up to talk to me. Gotta at least be prepared.