Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Ashes, ashes we all fall down.

The rainbows and sunshine are gone for now. In its place dark humor and dark thoughts are prevalent.

I had an epiphany tonight on the way home about why some people commit suicide. In my disparaging thought process I voiced what many people just do. I know why so many people kill themselves.

Because its easy and when you don't have the answers all you want or need is for things to go away and for everyone to just stop. In my despair I could see why people end it.

 It just seemed easier to get rid of me than the problem. It was easier to see how people could go on .. yeah things will end up being mixed up for a while, but in the long run they will remember me more than they will the problems I was facing. They won't remember that I was facing the end of my life as I knew it .. more that they weren't dealing with what I was dealing with. Yeah I could very well see a counselor but seriously that isn't what I needed right now. I needed to vent and get out that no one gets it and to explain it to someone that really doesn't live my lifestyle to understand what I am going through is like explaining quantum physics to a caveman (it's not so simple that a caveman can do it).

And what really gets me? The fact that those you trust to help you end up just helping things get worse (they probably meant well and it just wasn't coming across. Also the details got fuzzy.. maybe a lack in communication.). In my frame of mind at the time all I could hear is well since your doing this we are gonna do this and it wasn't communicated that it was to help more just to think that I was/am going to lose things.

When you are faced with having things taken from you, and not getting the things you need to get some other things taken care of kinda puts you in a rock and a hard place.

It took having me voice the good over the bad.. I still have good things in my life. I have my kids, my boyfriend and a place to live and my job as shitty as it is.

I also have things to live for, like moving away, seeing the world, being who and what I want to be.

I also realize that my disparaging thoughts were in the voices of the people that don't matter to me.  I don't get why their voices even mattered. Why did I let it get to me?

Because in some small way they are right. I sometimes think that with their accusations there is a bit of truth to it. Maybe I am ugly, maybe I am an unfit mom. Does that stop me from trying to accept myself and make sure that I am doing everything I can for my kids so that I don't become that unfit mom? No because I am not a quitter. I couldn't kill myself let alone feel that it was the easy way out. Because for me its not the easy way. The only way is to push on through and see what is on the other side. I have to move on, its the only way I will become stronger.

Those small but noisy insecure voices that voice my thoughts aren't loud enough to push me over the edge and give up. I am better than that and I have to remember that. The longer I remember that the better off I am and the better off I will be.

If you are going through hell keep on going because the devil might not even know you were there. or something like that. 


Ericisfargo234 said...

I can't even imagine feeling so depressed that the idea of ending it all sounded like a good idea. But I've know those that have.

I've heard (read, whatever) experts talk about suicides as being selfish people that couldn't get over that the world didn't revolve around them. I called bullshit on that and got chided for it.

My personal outlook on life is: "Make it happen." Yes, it's a positive pro-active approach. Some people prefer a passive approach. They let life happen. They honestly don't know what to do with themselves. There's nothing wrong with them, it's just their personality. However, it is my belief, there is such a thing as being too passive. (And just the opposite, subject for another time.)

One must want something enough to get it. It could be something as simple as breakfast.

I could go on with pithy sayings. But they would all sound hollow to someone truly considering suicide. Let's be honest here. People who consider life worth living find joy, no matter what. Those that don't... don't. After all, what's the point if everyone dies anyway?

Life is the point. Do what you want with who you want. Just don't make other people do what they don't wanna.

Crap, I think I may have just eaten some moldy cheese. I blame you. Now I have to drink more vodka to contain what is bound to become an intestinal infection.

Your. Fault.

Lilscorpiosweetie said...

As I said I couldn't do myself in or blame anyone for it.

I have been depressed and it just doesn't seem like its gonna end. I am an advocate against pills because I think its the alice in wonderland effect. Take a pill you grow taller, take another and you get smaller. I don't like the pill thing because they aren't a cure all. Yeah it makes you feel good but you have to keep taking them and that's the part I don't like.

I find ways to bring myself out of it. I want to live I want to be there for my kids and I want to enjoy life.