Not a fan anymore.

I don't know what my problem is but I have this niggling feeling that I should be good at something and that something isn't my job. I don't want to be good at my job.. I want to be good at something else.. Singing, writing, drawing for the love of God anything but making compasses and painting little red lines.

I am not tired of the lines really.. because it just helps me practice steadying my hand but seriously.. Why don't I have a natural talent? Why do I have to work at a talent? I watch American Idol and other things.. Britain's Got Talent and those people just go up there ..la dee fucking da and whip it out and its no big deal.. just irks my shit like no other. I have since quit watching those shows because no talent hacks like myself get up there and give us bad names.. Not a fan anymore. 

Perspective. It's not easy.

I am so fucking angry right now. I was all set to go into this I.E.P. meeting (Intervention Education Program) to see how to set new goals for my youngest daughter and to see where her dad and I can help her succeed.

Turns out she needs more help than we thought. As a parent you want what's best for your child. As a parent you want them to succeed and you want the world for them. You don't want them stuck in a dead end job making minimum wage.

If there is one thing I wanted for any and all of my kids (step-kids included) is I want them to be whatever their hearts desire. I don't want them thinking that all they will be good for is a menial job working for minimum wage whatever that is at the time.

So we went through all the stuff they wanted us to know like where she is with her reading skills and everything else. Her math skills are not where we want them to be, She has a low threshold on tolerance for math and when she doesn't get something she has just started recently to give up. Ken and I have to fight tooth and nail to get her to do any of her math homework.

She is a second grader and as all of us know the way they are teaching these kids now isn't how we all learned growing up so its all new to us too. Their teaching methods are different, they are implementing things that we didn't learn until later; now. Its somewhat of a jumbled mess.

So her test scores were severely low, she is way under the national and district average on those test scores where it basically means her comprehension and everything is below what a normal second grader is.

Now I understand that they want her to perform at a certain level but you would think it would be different for each kid based on their independent needs and personalities. But it seems as if we are raising a bunch of rocket scientists or robots where learning is just one style and you can't work at your own pace and you can't do it in a way that makes sense to you.. you have to do it their way.

So here she is struggling along doing the best she can and it isn't good enough. They can only give her so much help. Her speech language pathologist and the other special ed teachers are helping her and I believe them when they say that they are doing everything they can to help her but when they look you straight in the face and say.. its not good enough... its enough to tear your heart out.

It's even worse when the school principle looks you dead in the face and patronizes you and tells you all the redeeming qualities of your child yet with a backhanded compliment tells you "Bottom line, your child is one point from being considered mentally retarded." And then goes on to say she hopes we understand what they are saying.. I guess she was using the royal implement because the main teacher and each of the aides said otherwise. They knew I understood it. Makes me wonder if she was doing it for Kenny's benefit.

All the keeps running through my head at this point is how much I love my child and how much these teachers mean to her and to have to break my heart by telling me that if it weren't for one point they would consider her no better than a child with Downs.

We have more goals set up for her to help her with her Speech and Language. We have ideas running through to come up with a plan to give her an incentive to not give up. We are going to step up our game but try not to burn her out of school before she has a chance to see that this is important.

NOW I will tell you that she is a smart child. We just have to figure out a way that makes sense to her and at the same time lets us adults know that she understands it. I believe that she can and will succeed and not end up like they said where she has to have a job where repetition is key for her to succeed. I want her to do and be what she wants to be... SCREW what every one else says and I will keep praying that she proves the principle wrong.

Because of the NCLB act they are going to pass her into the third grade because they can't hold her back. Not sure holding her back is even gonna help her in the respects of having her understand that its to help not punish. They were talking about a behavioral plan and I strongly and firmly told them they need to make sure she knows its not because she was bad. It is just to make sure she is focused on the school work. They were thinking of an incentive plan like rewarding her after she does five problems or questions and I thought and told them what a horrible idea because then she would be like Pavlov's dog and expect a reward after every good thing she did. Kenny and I can't afford to do that. Because we would want to keep up with the reward system it will break us. It will turn her into a spoiled brat as well. So I said that I didn't want her relying on getting something all the time for a job well done. I mean praise her for what she did and for the work she did but having a material possession is like a crutch and if she knows she will get that crutch its not teaching her anything but to get that prize. If that makes sense.

We found out tonight that they are going to move 3rd grade to Rendezvous school so instead of k- 3 it will be k-2, 3-5, 6-8, 9-12 in our schools.

She is terrified of change. Our son will be in 4th grade next year. Had they not made the decision to move 3rd up to the other school, my daughter would be at her current school by herself while her brother would go on to 4th and put them in separate schools. There is a 14 month difference between her brother and her and its like they are twins and to separate them is torture on them even when they don't get along.

So now that they are moving 3rd grade up there it will keep her and her brother together and hopefully be easier on her to accept the change. She was told of lockers and changing classes and you can imagine what that does for a little kid who is used to having her materials like pencils and books in her desk. Now the burden of a locker makes it to where she will have to be responsible for having all her materials for that specific class with her at the appropriate times. While I am confident she will learn how to be responsible for her things it also makes me mad that they aren't transitioning these kids better so that they will know how to work their locks on their lockers and make sure they have the right things for the class.

 Bottom line is We want her to succeed. The aides want her to succeed and the principle doesn't want us to be disappointed when she can't succeed so she tells us I guess as a comfort that our child isn't destined to succeed and we need to be aware of that. It's like she is setting our child up for failure before she get a chance to prove herself.

Thank you for reading this far. This day has been long and horrible in respects to stress. Probably shouldn't go to work tomorrow because of the massive migraine I am sporting today but MY success at attaining my goals would be that much further away and I can't afford to take off from work.

Parents tell your kids how PROUD you are of them no matter what. That is the most important thing besides telling them you love them and wanting what's best for them. Your praise to them means more than ice cream and candy even when they don't see it that way, they will learn to know that it is. If there was anything or any one thing I could teach my kids, it's that they can do and be whatever they want and that they can change something they don't like by working hard and asking for help. They have my support in anything they pursue no matter how frivolous. 

Parenting fail

Ok I know that as a parent we can't always monitor what our kids are doing and saying all the time especially while they are away from us. But it stands to reason that a lot of us take precautions about what they watch and listen to.

So with that said, here is the funny for the day.

I allowed the kids to play with a neighbor boy. I told them I wanted them home at 6 so they could sit down and have dinner. The weather was beautiful. Figured it would get them out of the house for a bit. And it was PEACEFUL for about an hour.

I got the cherry cobbler on in the crock pot. It smells really yummy. Then I sat down. I knew this was a bad idea but went with it anyway. So I am surfing the net with my elder son and pretty soon my youngest child comes home.

She has a pinched look on her face and I knew something was wrong. This is the following conversation. ( H = her, M = me.)

M: What's wrong baby?
H: *just stares with lips pinched*
M: what's the matter, what happened?
H: They are calling me names.
M: Like what?
H: pervert and something else I forget
M: Are you sure?
H: *shakes her head yes very vigorously.
M: Do you know what that means?
H: No.
M: Ok

I look at my elder son and tell him to go get his brother and bring him home.

Elder son comes in the door with younger son and the water works begin. I am trying hard not to show how amusing this is to me. (YS = younger son, M = me and ES = Elder son.) Before I have a chance to ask younger son anything he starts in.

YS: I didn't call her that!
M: Wait ... call her what?
YS: Whatever she told you!
M: How do you know she said anything? She could have just come home.
YS: *shrug*
M: So did you call her a pervert?
YS: *hesitates* Neighbor boy called her a pervert.
M: What else did you guys call her?
YS: It wasn't me! Neighbor boy called her a pervert and a vagina.
M: Do you know what a pervert is?
YS: No.
M: Do you know what a vagina is?
YS: It's a part on a woman's body.
M: Show me.
YS: *points to sister's crotch region*
M: *I turn around*

At this point I am trying to not lose it. I had to put on my parent face and deal. So I turn to the kids and said that if they didn't know what something was they shouldn't be using it as if they knew what it meant. So while I wasn't telling them the definition of pervert, i managed to make ES lose his mind.

M to YS: Does your sister look like a vagina?
ES: *dying!!*
M: *still staring at YS and H* Well does she?
YS: umm no?
M: If you don't know what one looks like how can you call her that?
ES: *still dying, like losing his breath laughing so hard*

Also it was starting to rub off.

M: don't call your sister a Vagina or a pervert.
M to ES: Go use your ivagination somewhere else.

Then I died laughing... sort of.

Then curiosity got the best of me.

M to YS: Have you seen a vagina?

Before YS could answer ES says YES and they are gross!

M to ES: When have you seen a vagina?
ES: In the boys locker room.
M: What??
ES: She got confused and ran in and then ran out.
M: What?? You didn't see a vagina.. you seen a naked girl and maybe a bit of her naughty parts. Not a vagina..
ES: *beet red and not breathing because he was laughing so hard*

By this time the little kids have excused themselves and got their jammies on. I am at my keyboard relating this entire incident to my bf who is working and can't exactly laugh out loud due to his working in an office where people are on the phones..

Yes I am that evil and apparently an epic parenting fail.. Someone please laugh and comment that I am not the only one that has to have the genital talk with kids......

Ashes, ashes we all fall down.

The rainbows and sunshine are gone for now. In its place dark humor and dark thoughts are prevalent.

I had an epiphany tonight on the way home about why some people commit suicide. In my disparaging thought process I voiced what many people just do. I know why so many people kill themselves.

Because its easy and when you don't have the answers all you want or need is for things to go away and for everyone to just stop. In my despair I could see why people end it.

 It just seemed easier to get rid of me than the problem. It was easier to see how people could go on .. yeah things will end up being mixed up for a while, but in the long run they will remember me more than they will the problems I was facing. They won't remember that I was facing the end of my life as I knew it .. more that they weren't dealing with what I was dealing with. Yeah I could very well see a counselor but seriously that isn't what I needed right now. I needed to vent and get out that no one gets it and to explain it to someone that really doesn't live my lifestyle to understand what I am going through is like explaining quantum physics to a caveman (it's not so simple that a caveman can do it).

And what really gets me? The fact that those you trust to help you end up just helping things get worse (they probably meant well and it just wasn't coming across. Also the details got fuzzy.. maybe a lack in communication.). In my frame of mind at the time all I could hear is well since your doing this we are gonna do this and it wasn't communicated that it was to help more just to think that I was/am going to lose things.

When you are faced with having things taken from you, and not getting the things you need to get some other things taken care of kinda puts you in a rock and a hard place.

It took having me voice the good over the bad.. I still have good things in my life. I have my kids, my boyfriend and a place to live and my job as shitty as it is.

I also have things to live for, like moving away, seeing the world, being who and what I want to be.

I also realize that my disparaging thoughts were in the voices of the people that don't matter to me.  I don't get why their voices even mattered. Why did I let it get to me?

Because in some small way they are right. I sometimes think that with their accusations there is a bit of truth to it. Maybe I am ugly, maybe I am an unfit mom. Does that stop me from trying to accept myself and make sure that I am doing everything I can for my kids so that I don't become that unfit mom? No because I am not a quitter. I couldn't kill myself let alone feel that it was the easy way out. Because for me its not the easy way. The only way is to push on through and see what is on the other side. I have to move on, its the only way I will become stronger.

Those small but noisy insecure voices that voice my thoughts aren't loud enough to push me over the edge and give up. I am better than that and I have to remember that. The longer I remember that the better off I am and the better off I will be.

If you are going through hell keep on going because the devil might not even know you were there. or something like that. 

Laura-isms

So the other night I am having dinner in public and my son and daughter said I need to let them build a club house because they got to over at their dad's house.  So then Laura pipes up and says yeah from scratch as she imitates a nail on a chalk board motion.

So I am beginning to think that her comedic relief  only happens when we are in public.. its very rare to happen at home. So tonight we are on our way home and Laura looks back behind us and sees my mom (her Nana) behind us. She goes "Hey Nana's truck has eyebrows!" The truck is an 92 Avalanche. I told her to turn around and sit still. So then she starts in on Silent Night. Here are her lyrics:

Silent Night Holy Night,
All is calm, All is deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddd.

The End. 

Friday Chair Tippin...

That's right I about fell off my freakin chair at work because I got a formal apology I neither needed nor wanted..

But it was kind of backhanded..

Like she said that she was sorry for being a BITCH but it was something about me that caused her to be that way? I am confused.

So I just said apology accepted and wracked my brain trying to figure out why I wasn't a like-able person at least to her. I had done nothing wrong except go to the boss and tell him that I can't stand working with her because she is constantly negative. I dreaded going to work. It was her fault I felt sick.

Still confused and I think I will have to sit on my chair a bit better when people just randomly come up to talk to me. Gotta at least be prepared.

I went there and don't think I am coming back.

Why is it that when someone annoys you, you find everything they do annoying?

Why can't you stop noticing those annoying things they do that apparently you didn't notice before?

I am serious, it has come to my attention that when people annoy me ( I mean seriously annoyed..like irritated for 1. not noticing this shit in the first place  and 2. because they keep doing it) WHY can't I just unnotice it?

There are lots of people and lots of things I wish I didn't notice and I am sorry Brain for making you into Captain notice everything. I am sorry Brain for point out the ridiculous and now that's all you can do is point out the ridiculous or the random stupidness of people that YOU notice because of me. And guess what.. I have just made us into people watchers to pass the time. (Sorry Mom for today at the bank when I made that comment about matching sunglasses.. you will remember the comment. My brain was on overload.)

Sometimes I wish I didn't notice things or "pick up" on things that people do because its annoying..right? So while I am in disgust with other people's bad habits I look at myself and go WHAT THE FUCK CHUCK.. ?? Seriously did you just pop that grape into your mouth? I mean you don't know whose hands have been feeling the firmness of the grape let alone if snotty fingers of kids touched it.. Seriously people wash your hands and your food.. No I am not a germophobe but still. Oh and I have just random habits I pick up from people that don't necessarily have to be bad but are considered bad because they annoy other people. Did that even make sense?

I get to thinking that maybe its those kinds of thoughts that don't win me any friends and the friends I do have are just as crazy as I am so I guess I am lucky in that respect. But thoughts that run around in my head are borderline neurotic.....maybe? DON'T ANSWER THAT. It was rhetoric anyway. I know the answer and I don't need it confirmed.

In the end if you are reading this... its because I have made you into CAPTAIN NOTICE EVERYTHING about a person and from there judgmental I guess. But because we are all adults here, We can choose to say something about it or not say anything at all. I say things as sort of stress relief for me because that is how I handle situations.

In the famous words of my co-worker.. If anything I do, say, wear or eat offends you, you have the option to look away, get up and leave and not look at me.  I am a bitch and proud of it.. or something along those lines....